end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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