Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize