Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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