Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
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Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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