I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
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Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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