So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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