Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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