Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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