so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
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Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
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If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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