Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
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I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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