Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
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Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
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I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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