I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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