i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
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She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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