You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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