apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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