I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
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I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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