I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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