so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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