I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
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I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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