new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
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Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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