I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
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Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
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We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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