i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
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He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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