Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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