Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
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dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
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Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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