Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize