how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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