im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
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Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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