I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
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Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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