Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
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Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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