I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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