Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
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