I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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