So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
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Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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