Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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