Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize