I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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