We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
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knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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