I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
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You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
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Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
There's even glitter on my cock...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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