My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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