Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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