somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
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To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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