There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize