Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
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You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
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Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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