I am midnight drunk by noon
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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