it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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