So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
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I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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