I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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