I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
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if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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