i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
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Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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