we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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